Iowa Deer Blog

Sitting here tonight wrapping some of the last presents for the little ones and kind of reflecting on the last year. It is hard to believe what are family has been thru. I look back on it and wonder why sometimes. Why my son had to be born with so many ailments, why my oldest son had to be robbed of some of his youth during Jacks life and why Jack had to die. It is still hard for me to grasp that one of my sons is dead.

Jack died a year ago this September. During his four short years of life our family went into survival mode in every sense of the word. I can remember when Amber and I found out she was pregnant with our second child...we were totally excited. After the first ultra sound we were pretty excited to find out it was a boy! You know they train those Ultra sound techs to be pretty non emotional with whatever they see so we had no idea that she was looking at our little son knowing that he had a heart problem even while we were so happy and un-knowing. It wasn't until later that we were told that Jack had some problems. At that time he alot more problems than they even realized. It wasn't until he was born that we learned so much more about the type of challenges he and our family would face. As soon as I saw his ultrasound photos I fell in love with him.

When Jack was delivered he was not breathing and I could tell by the concerned look on the faces of the staff in the room that not all was well. The delivery of your child is supposed to be a happy time not a time of fear and sadness.

Thruout Jacks life he never talked. I never got to hear him say "I love you Daddy". Maybe it would have made his death even harder for me. Maybe God designed it that way because he knew it would ruin me..I don't know. I think about that alot and sometimes it consumes me.

Jack died in his mothers arms, my wife. I will never know the pain the way she does. I held is little head in my hands and he opened his eyes and stared into mine as he passed. It was a special gift from God to me. All the Demons I carried with me in my life seemed to vanish at that moment and I felt the presence of Angels or something in the room with us.

Amber and I sat there for the next several hours holding him one last time. His little body was warm and he was very peaceful. Amber gave him his last bath in this world and dressed him. I carried him down to the morgue and said good-bye...for now.

That was a little over a year ago now and the pain comes and goes. Mostly around this time of the year. If you have ever read a book called "The Shack" you know what I am talking about when I say I carry the "Great Sadness" with me from time to time.

I have Luke (8) and Olivia (4) now that need a Father and a strong man to guide them and be a rock and it frightens me. When I am so damaged how can I possibly give them the love that they deserve but I am a fighter and I will go down in flames before I submit to that enemy that is trying to tear me down, tear my family down. It won't happen on my watch. Jack is looking down on us and encouraging us to go on, keep going, don't stop. "I am ok Daddy" he says. I know he is and I fight another day. It might be like that forever.

I gave my battered,beaten and undeserving life to God because of Jack. Thank You Jack, Thank You God for showing so much mercy on me.

Jack, Dad loves you and your such a good boy. You hold the fort down for us. We'll see you soon because this life is just a breath...just a short breath.